Notes To Heaven

Description: Just some stupid story I wrote to enter a competition, thought you guys might like it ..

My story is probably one you've heard so many times before, and will do so many times again. But honestly my mother was the best in the business. She was never perfect, she was as close to it as can be. She kept me safe, brought me up with love and no-one could ask for more. No matter what anyone said, she had always put me first in her life. And I just loved her so much.

I remember that day, I walked home from school and my front door clicked open. Like a book tearing in two steady pieces there it was. Two police-men were standing in my hallway, with my mother on the stairs with her head in her hands. I cried, I screamed, I was confused and angry. That year I just turned 14 when my mum suddenly went to prison for an insurance scam she was said to be involved in. The details were bounced here and there, but I never learnt the truth. I was put into care a week later.
Between the stages of my childhood I wondered through foster home to foster home. It became a fact to my social workers that I was a problem child. But the simple truth stayed at that I already had a family. I had my mum. I didn't need a whole family; because my mum could be all of those people to me, she was all the family I could ever need.

All the kids at school tormented me, for every second I was in school they made sure that I wouldn't forget that my mum was in jail. That I was the loser living in a foster home. I didn't care much for what they said, yeah it hurt at the beginning when people who I trusted to be my friends turned away. It hurt me deeper then I thought could. Still I worked hard in school hoping, believing one day when I finally finished school my mum could be out of jail. I know that sounds so cheesy; but school was the only thing I knew how to do and do it well, so well that it could shut everything else out of my mind.

During Year 10 I started piano, because I remembered my mum said she loved the sound of the piano that it could soothe all her troubles away. And when I played the piano I played for the both of us.

My music teacher encouraged me to take my chances and enter a nationwide Young Pianists Competition. I refused, thinking of the humiliation that I would receive if I lost. I still remember the words she said to me:
"Emma, I know the kids in that forms are giving you trouble. I won't be a bother and give you grief about being bullied. But piano is your world, don't let them ruin it. With everything you've been through, let yourself shine, don't shrink back and hide. I mean what do you have to lose?"
I looked at her and I smiled awkwardly.
"Thank you miss." Was all I could think of to reply.

I went home that day, sat on my bed at looked at the entry form. I thought long and hard, if I won I could get a free scholarship to a music Academy. What did I have to lose? I would be right back where I am, what the other kids said I was an idiot. So what if I lost? I scribbled in my information on the dotted lines and posted it. My heart ran with excitement. As the weeks went past I didn't have enough time for my problems so I left them behind me. At the same time I wrote regularly to my mum. Telling her about my competition; when it was, what I was going to play, it seemed that my life became oriented around that competition but for once I was happy.

One week on a Friday, Nora my social worker was in my bedroom when I got home from my lesson. My immediate reaction was to sigh. Another foster family.
"What's up Nora?" Edging nervously on my bed.
Nora just sat there with a curious expression that I couldn't quite read.
"Emma" Nora cleared her throat. "I need to tell you something."
My heart thumped against my chest.
"Your mum ..." Nora paused. I was thinking she what? I probably could of guessed what she was going to say. But I just didn't want to know. "She died in prison this morning."
I stopped breathing just for a moment. Already with tears stinging at my eyes, my ears filled with a distant ringing.
"How?" I bit back, my hands were shaking.
"Erm, this morning. Of a heart attack."
Oh god, I thought, a heart attack. I didn't even know she had a heart condition.
"Sweetheart? Emma?"
She took my hand, then looked at me.
"Your so cold!"
"Erm, Nora could you leave me on my on for a bit? Please?" My voice cracking. She nodded, closing the door behind her.
I just sat there on my own. Then the tears just fell from my eyes, I hugged my cushion and I pressed it against my chest if somehow to ease the pain. I cried my heart out, choking on my own fear that I was alone. I cried out loud for her, until my throat hurt but nothing ; nothing could make the ache go away.

I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep properly, and I couldn't do anything. Nora called in the GP but he said that there was nothing he could do and prescribed for me some sleeping pills. The competition day was looming fast but I cared for nothing else anymore. As far as I was concerned the world had stopped, I had no need to move forward. I didn't want to move on. All I wanted was for my mum to come back, anything from her to say that I still had her. It was as if she heard me because that day when I woke-up from my pill-induced sleep I found a letter addressed to me on my bedside. I tore it open.

To my baby girl Emma,
How are you? I am so proud of you wanting to do something like this competition, and you know what? I am proud of you but so ashamed of myself that I got myself here that I can't see you perform on that stage. Look at you aren't you just my little angel?
My baby, I am so sorry that I can't be there when you need me. That I messed up so badly and you have to get punished as well. Oh god how I wish I hadn't gotten myself into this, but be strong for me and you. For before you know it, I'm going to back and then we'd be a proper family. You will always be the most important thing in my life. It just breaks my heart that I will be the reason that you¡¦re little face doesn't smile, that your tears will fall for me because I am not by your side. My biggest wish is to see you happy; all I want is to see you grow up as an independent woman and be the best that you can be. To see you happy is always the biggest joy in my life.
No matter what you'll always have me. You'll always be my little girl, and nothing will ever change that. So you go out there and conquer the world, because I'll always be watching out for you.
Love you always and forever.
Write back soon and tell me how you did. (I bet you'll win.)
Mum
xxx

I cried again, reading each and every word. Gosh how much that just killed me. Feeling again that familiar heart wrenching ache that settled. I felt like curling up in a ball and just shutting the whole world out. No-one could ever fix me ever again. Nora came in and spotted the torn envelope.
"I see you've found the letter then." I muffled my reply through my duvet. I felt Nora's hand on the back of my shoulder.
"Sit up so I can see you when I'm talking please."
"I don't want you to see me."
"Come on Emma don't be such a baby."
I sighed, and sat up. But I didn't meet Nora's eyes.
"Emma. You know that your mother is gone, and you can't bring her back." She paused as my tears rolled down my cheek once again.
"Do you really think that she'd want you to waste your life away? To see you miserable? Wouldn't it just break her heart to see you like this? Hmm?"
"You don't know what she would think? Huh? What do you know about losing your mum? Do you know what it feels like?" I shouted, choking on my tears. "Because it bloody feels awful." I whispered softly.
Nora shook her head
"Oh Emma, honey. I'm sorry. You're right, you are right. I don't know how you feel, I have no clue. But whatever you might or might not be feeling. She's not coming back Emma. I'm sorry but nether you or I change that."
I cried even harder, turning away from Nora. But she grabbed my arm and gave me a heart-warming hug.
"Shhh, it's ok now. Show your mum that you can be strong, not for yourself but for her. I know you're not 2 anymore, but she's in a nicer place now. It's a shame your not there with her, but you can't control the world,"
I sniffled against her shoulder.
"You have to be happy for her wherever she is. You have to be happy for yourself."

With Nora's help I slowly got my feet back firmly on the ground. I started going back to my piano lessons, I also accepted Nora's offer to get a counselor. Each session I was asked on how I felt, how I was doing and I learnt how not to be afraid of my feelings. So gradually I could let my mum go to where she needed to be. She would never leave me, never but I couldn't keep on wishing for something that just wouldn't happen. Although she¡¦ll be impossible to forget, the ache will always be there. It's just smaller.

Nora and my counselor both thought that it would be a great idea to carry on the competition. It wasn't that far away, and it would give me a great push for the future; plus since I carried on my music lessons it would be no problem to compete. I hesitated at first then at last agreed with their idea. So all of my strength and what was left of my heart and soul went into practicing.

That day finally came. Nora drove me up. It was a good 2 hour journey and I felt nervous and excited at the same time. There was a horrible feeling rising in my stomach that I couldn't quite explain a gush of giddiness trapped in me. But I managed to pull myself together when I finally saw the doors of the concert hall pull up.

I watched as the empty space filled up with people's family and friends to watch their loved ones win. Yet here I was all alone. Then the lights dimmed, and the blackness clouded the room. Rustling in seats here and there with hushed voices in the back.

I sat and listened to each act as they all claimed the stage one by one. Each and every one of them was flawless, beautifully played. There was no doubt the people competing were aiming for the prize, because the notes that were coming into my ears from that grand piano was astonishing. I just sat there and wondered, did I have that in magic in me too?

Suddenly I heard it - the big speaker call out my name, the sound bouncing and echoing in the open space. I walked up to the stage, the click of my shoes bouncing off the polished floor. I looked out to see the sea of faces sitting in the shadows.

The lights hit my back and I could feel the heat radiate through my dress. The audience was restless. My fingers were trembling. I placed my hands to the beginning chords, barely remembering how to breathe. I pressed down on the ivory keys. Then out came this melody, almost as if I've never heard it before. I just kept playing this tune that rang out in pristine clarity, giving me the peace that I had sought after all along. The strangest thing was, it was as if my mother was actually there. I just kept playing - telling her though the pages of music, through the notes. I'll be ok.

Tags: heaven, notes, story

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